Crimes against crochet

I went to the library last night and was browsing the craft section when I found a real gem of a book. Without delay I decided to get the photos I took of the works of textile genius contained in the book onto the blog. I figure it's Friday and everyone could use a good laugh before the weekend.

I've rarely laughed as much at a book before. The front cover is on the left and reveals that the book is called 'Glorious Crocheted Sweaters'. Glorious indeed. The model does look a little dubious though don't you think? Maybe that is because of the giant colourwork cardigan she is trying to rock. The neck tie isn't really adding anything here is it? To me it looks like a paper napkin that she forgot to remove after having some lunch.

Anyway onwards and upwards we have many more 'glorious' sweaters to see...

This looks warm but that's about the only thing you can say in it's favour. And if you have a thing for crocheting crazy clashing tartans then don't worry you can also clothe your children in them. You can use a lovely fuzzy mohairy yarn too and don't worry it won't fit them either. I'm sure these jumpers weigh like a million kilos as well as being stiff like a board due to the colourwork.  

Now on to something a little lighter and more suitable for summer.

Words almost fail me. What sort of a pose it that? I'm no fan of yellow and red together and this ensemble really isn't going to convince me. Also this is supposed to be a summer garment. I'm sure it's made of acrylic yarn too, this means if you wore this on a hot day you'd most likely melt and die both from embarrassment and heat exhaustion.

I love the look of the model in this picture. You can almost hear the thoughts inside her head. 'I'm sorry my child but yes I did crochet us matching pastel chevron stitch jumpers and now I'm trying to pretend to everyone that this was a good idea and that we look fabulous but I know we are living a lie. You poor innocent thing, you did nothing to deserve this.'

An aran style jumper is necessity in the snow and when teamed with ear muffs you will be warm and stylish. Sadly your dog on seeing you will slump into an existential ennui and lie on the ground and refuse to move.

Sadly we're at the last photo I took of the 'glorious' crocheted sweaters. I think I have saved the best for last though. By best I actually mean damaging, if you saw this picture and decided that really it would have been better for the world if crochet was never invented I can't say I'd blame you. The world might have been better off if we were all still wandering around butt naked than clothe ourselves in sweaters such as the ones you are about to see.

These poor poor children? Where are they now? What untold damage did this modeling assignment do to them? Did they ever get counseling? Are they sitting forgotten in some mental institution blabbering to themselves about the pain and trauma of being made dress like this? I wish I knew.

I suppose I must now provide you with a link to Amazon should you wish to rush out and purchase this classic of textile design. Actually for further laughs read the reviews. Most of them are positive! I hope there aren't people out there inflicting these designs that time forgot on their loved ones in this day and age.

8 Responses to "Crimes against crochet" (Leave A Comment)

Dave Masterson says
July 9, 2010 at 8:33 AM

Dave told me he wanted one of those jumpers for Christmas. Just saying.

The Beer Nut says
July 9, 2010 at 8:39 AM

Brilliant, though I think the hair trumps the knitting. Neckerchief lady looks to me like a stiff breeze has just blown a plastic bag around her throat. Also, I used to have one of those shoulderstrap Walkmans, only in red.

Have you seen this? (with advance apologies if you pointed it out to me in the first place)

sheknitupthat says
July 9, 2010 at 9:04 AM

Is that a walkman?!

Gotta say my first thought is 'how can they stand up straight with that WEIGHT on them' and what if it rained??? rofl

eddie says
July 9, 2010 at 9:23 AM

on the words of the great Maddox:, "Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one"

Woolly Bits says
July 9, 2010 at 3:20 PM

I'd say a definite candidate for the blog "what not to crochet":)) the terrible 80s are called that for a reason!!

Anonymous says
January 17, 2011 at 4:35 PM

I'm so glad you are perfect. I think it's a shame on you for deciding to tear apart a book of designs that someone worked hard on.

The Beer Nut says
January 18, 2011 at 2:15 AM

"Hard on". Pffft!

Bionic Laura says
January 18, 2011 at 2:18 AM

Ah Anonymous I think we all know I am very far from perfect... This post is what we like to call a joke. Times change and fashions do too.